Lately i’ve been at what i call a wierd space or atleast thats what it feel like to me. I am not happy, but i am not sad either. I am just here, simply breathing and passing up time. It feels like i have no purpose in what i do. I am a college student, but what happens after college? will my career path give me meaning in life?
I care, but at the same time i don’t. I care just enough to get me by. I want to end relationships that don’t bring purpose, but i can’t… more specifically i don’t care enough to end them. It’s a wierd space because i’m questioning my career path something i don’t do because i am a tunnel vision type of person when it comes to my career. I’m in a wierd space and i feel wierd. Maybe its the stress i’m under lately or maybe i dont get enough sleep.
It feels as if i have no meaning. I am emotionless and cold to life in general, not in a bad or good way but in a wierd way. A way i don’t know how to explain. Okay i’m going to bed now and hopefully this wierd space doesn’t last longer.
Perhaps it wasn’t love… but what was it then? lust? maybe that too. Evidently i was in love with the idea of loving you and love in general. Or maybe we grew up and slowly drifted apart. Or maybe the distance gets to the best of us too. But somewhere within me i think i loved you, maybe loosely but i did love you. It feels weird to look back and it not feel the same.
Maybe i waited too long and became numb to love, but it might not have been love. This confuses me, it wasn’t lust because i would have dropped my world in a heart beat for you. But maybe my love for you did not mirror when i looked at you. I am a fool for love, i love fast and hard. And sometimes i love more than i am loved.
What is love? who defines it and who’s to tell me i wasn’t in love. I might be unlucky when it comes to love because it seems to fail me time after time again. But i remain a fool for love because i believe in unconditional love. I believe in the love i see in movies and in happy couples. Okay i’ll stop now.
Till i next encounter love again,
The older i grow the more private i am becoming, not the secretive type of private where i consciously withhold information from those around me but the type of private where i don’t broadcast what is happening in my life. I guess I’ve also had my fair share of experiences that have made me become a little bit more timid.
I don’t feel the need to tell you or anyone about the important events in my life anymore, and i don’t think there is a way to explain that. In the past year, i have made some of the biggest life changing decisions and i think i can count with just one hand the amount of people who knew about them as i was making those decisions. Some have changed me for the better and others have changed my outlook on life.
I haven’t become more secretive, i have become more private. I am aware of the fact that not everyone wishes me well in life, about 2 years ago i stumbled upon a sermon by T.D Jake’s and the title of it was 3 types of people or friends( something along those lines) and that sermon really changed me. Jakes made a statement along the lines of
“when you walk into a room and tell someone your good news stop being happy and watch their reactions, If they are not happy for you, shut your mouth and walk back out of the door. When they are really connected to you, they will be happy when you share your dream.”
And from my own experience that i encountered a few weeks later, i shut those doors and walked away. That experience made me more private, i had my AHA moment. Not everyone is happy for you, share your dreams with only your confidants. So no i am not secretive, i am causious of telling my good news to the same reactions i encountred a few weeks.
I am at a place in my life where i am finally at peace. I am at peace with my past, myself, my choices, my relationships, and everything else in the world. I no longer feel the need to hold on to certain relationships or fight the uncertain. I am simply at peace. There is no greater feeling than having your mind hold still. I have let go and allowed myself to mourn the part of me that died along with letting go. I now find myself truly living in the moment. I have opened doors with my past and glady welcomed my future with open arms.
I am at peace because i allowed God to take control, and i came to terms with myself. I came to terms with the fact that i am human and i can only do my best. I am greatly flawed, but i am at peace. It is the greatest feeling on earth. Knowing this is who i am and i am completely okay with that.
“For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10
It’s almost like an addiction, something i do unknowingly, a habit.
“we’re all created differently each beautifully and wonderfully made, you’re not so and so” i have heard that phrase more times than i can count. Growing up it was my dads way of telling me “No” i can’t go to that birthday party or do something i so desperately wanted to do because my friends were doing it. And it was also my dads way of telling me to stop comparing myself to other people.
Don’t get me wrong, im not one to get jealous or envy anyones success or accomplishments. But in the back of my mind i have alway struggled with the voice that compared me with anyone and everyone. The same voice that at some point became my very own monster. The tingling sensation inside me that makes me feel like i am not enough. I dont know when, but at some point i lost control over it. I created my very own monster that can no longer be tamed.
I do it unknowingly, and from time to time it will send me to a very dark place. It’s like an addiction. At first it was concealed under the disguise of motivation but before i knew it, it was much bigger than that. And from time to time it will also motivate me to be great. It’s the addiction that i cannot seam to get rid of.
I waited for you, so thank you for coming to me. I waited because I wanted something real, I wanted someone that would love me unconditionally so thank you for loving me. I have hurt and have been hurt, I have also loved and been loved but not in the way that I will love you. I prayed that God would save you for me, a man that would know my self-worth and value. A man that would fear God in the way that my father taught me to fear God and I am grateful you are all that and more.
I had given up on love when someone told me that “God has someone out there for you, you have half of someone ribs in you. You just have to wait for God to act” and I am glad I did. I waited on God’s timing and it was all worth it. And for you I would do it all over again, I would wait.
Be patient with me because I am very opinionated, stubborn, and hard-headed. Allow me to figure things out on my own, but check me when I need it. I may seem distant at times but allow me the room to breath, I dislike change so let me get used to us. I like being independent and doing things on my own and it may seem like I’m pushing you away at times but i promise I’m not. I pray you respect me and value me, the way I will respect and value you.
I don’t want to complete you, but rather i pray you are complete in God before you come to me and i will wait until you are. I pray for your well being whoever you are. I loved you then, i love you now, i will love you tomorrow and always.
I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for. -Jeremiah 19:11
“Therefore say to them, ‘Thus says the LORD of hosts, “Return to Me,” declares the LORD of hosts, “that I may return to you,” says the LORD of hosts. -Zechariah 1:3
I don’t know when, but at some point I fell out of love with you. We were bestfriends once, inseparable, but I don’t know where we went wrong. At some point I stopped feeling your presence. I wandered from you and we lost touch. I would talk to you, but it never felt the same. It wasn’t the same as when I was a little girl, my prayers pure and my path righteous.
I remember as a little girl I would be excited to talk to you. I knew I had you regardless of what happened. At my lowest you picked me up. In you I found reassurance, but when did it all stop?. When did I stop feeling you beside me?. When did my journey become mine alone and not ours?. I wish I knew of when it all stopped, but I don’t. I can’t put a finger on the moment, but I knew things changed.
At my darkest times I felt alone, I prayed for your guidance but I felt alone. I searched for you, but you were nowhere to be found. But after all I was searching in the wrong places. I have wandered, but I am now ready to return home. My journey wont be easy, but I ask for your light. Walk with me on this journey oh Lord and forgive me for I have sinned.
I am ready now, I am ready to reach out to your hand. Forgive me for I am a sinner. Accept me back into your kingdom Lord. You loved me yesterday, you love me today, and Lord love me tomorrow.
Your child always,